wtf is with this?

i dont get this...
one minute i feel almost okay, almost normal...
the next i get this really fucked feeling inside that just makes me want to ram a screwdriver through my own face and kill myself...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
and its like... people talk about "fun" things they are going to do and i see it as pointless.
i dont get this.
i want to die.
but i dont.
i hate this.
fucking hell...
i hate breathing... breathing sucks...
it feels so bad sometimes, breathing
i feel like such a dickface for breathing..... its like... i feel like im stealing air that i dont deserve...
and im such an asshole when i feel shit, i push my friends away.... which sucks...
last night i had a nightmare..
i was genuinely scared.
it was about my girlfriend leaving me...
i woke up thinking it was real... and i wanted to kill myself so badly.
and yet i wasnt being any more unpleasant or horrible than usual
am i that much of an asshole?
i am....
maybe its not for selfish reasons that i want to kill myself... maybe its just for the sake of others....
maybe its the kindest thing i can do for this world, taking myself out of it...
oh the irony.
well i dont know...
spose i should think about it more.
but still.... i dont think ill come to a different conclusion...
wow...
maybe i need to kill myself for the sake of others.....
i hate my life.
all i do is make other people feel like shit.... and then they hate me too.
im a perpetual asshole.
wow...
that is possibly the truest concept in this blog.
hope for all humanity?
not me.
im a perpetual asshole.
im an asshole to others, which makes others hate me.
then those that hate me are assholes to me.
then because of that im more of an asshole to others.
those others are then more of an asshole to me.
thus im more of an asshole to others
wow... the cycle continues...
i gues how it ends is
some asshole pushes me over the edge.
i finally get the guts to kill myself.
problem solved.
the world celebrates
which brings me to my next point.
im a pussy
a weak little asshole.
ive wanted to kill myself so many times
but im too fucking pussy to do it.
see? another thing that makes me shit
im a fucking pussy
what have i honestly got to live for.
you know what.. i dont know.
the only thing that came to mind was my girlfriend...
but im sure im destroying her existence too...
FUCK
you know
originally this next line was "i hate everything"
then i realised that was wrong....
i hate me
plain and simple
fuck you, Matthew Hall
you are a fucking asshole.
i will watch you rot in hell
where you obviously belong
you are an asshole
you hurt your friends
you cant control your actions
you are a freak
an animal
and i hate you
you Matthew Hall
are a weak, pathetic, disgusting, repulsive asshole.
and i want you to die.
not just for your own pain, but to help all your friends, who are obviously sick of you
"like who?!" you may ask....
well...
i would tell you, i honestly would.
but it would sound like i was blaming people.
so before i tell you
i assure you, that if you are mentioned, it is so only for me to illustrate how i have wronged you, not how you have wronged me.
First things first i guess...
1.Sebastian - my next door neighbour.... now hes like my family, and yet over the last while i havent been seeing him as much. this may not seem that bad, but it still makes me feel guilty.
2.Ela - wow, where do i start. i love Ela with all my heart and mind and soul... but it makes me feel so guilty because shes so amazing and im so....well not....
3.Rachel W - yeah now ive been a real asshole around rachie.... and to, and shes one of the large-ish reasons i dont deserve to be here, because shes very innocent and im very... fucked.
4.Becca - becca has been like a little sibling to me for ages... and yet i still say and do things that are mean or wrong or cruel to her...
5.Cam - now cams basically my best mate at school... and yet shit always happens between us that i hate... and he doesnt deserve to cop shit like that off something like me.
6.Victor - a mate at school. he makes me feel guilty because his life is so much worse than mine... and i dont deserve to feel crap because of all the shit he goes through...
7.Kevin - kevins the quiet one in my group at school... and i know that me not being that openly kind to him makes him feel shit... and although he'd never say it, being kind, he must dislike me.
8.Eric - eric seems not to like me very much, because i go on like a retard and act stupid sometimes, and it just doesnt go with his ideals.
9.Andy - now im corrupting andy and i know it... and it makes me feel awful for it. he doesnt deserve it.
10.Corinne - oh god i am SO sorry corinne... for everything... for the fact that im so horible, the fact that im so emotionless, for the fact that im such a pussy, for the fact that you deserve better then knowing me, because i am such a horrible person. I'm so sorry corinne, from the bottom of my heart, i really mean that.
11.Tahlia - now i never really gave tahlia a chance to know me that much, cause ive always been that stupid little depressive one...
12. Zoe Montford - she hates me... which i respect fully, cause she knows what a stupid little asshole i am....
13. Bella - bella has never been anything but kind and loving to me, and what do i do? i choke on my ego and can hardly talk to her.
14.Kale - kale tries so hard to be nice to me... but alas kale, it is to no avail, im just a complete dickhead.
15.Tansy - im just the depressive sporadic emo to tansy, and i feel sorry for her having to take my shit.
16.Michael M - michael i think respects me, and i respect him, but i know im hurting him with my existence and my life. and im sorry michael. i really am.
17.Humanity - ive probably forgotten to mention alot of people, so ill just sum up one for all of humanity and then probably go because i am being told to go by my mother.... Im sorry for existing humanity, and wasting your precious air... you dont deserve shit like me fouling up your earth.
what am i gunna do about it?
honestly?
i dont know.
maybe i should just go and do it... go and finish it all... save alot of people alot of pain...
yeah maybe i should.
well i dont know.
ill leave you with something to ponder.
what do you do when you find out that your walk of life is in the wrong direction......?
the end.........?