i've got a bad feeling...

Hello world... i have this really bad feeling that somethings going to happen... and if it does... then it means im going to die.... this really isnt a good place for me to be in.... because hey... i thought my life was kinda on track, and now this has happened.....
...
...
at the moment i really cant think of what to write... i feel like im about to burst into tears...but i feel like im about to scream and shout...but at the same time...i can feel that really cold feeling coming back into me, saying "you know...deaths the only other option after this..."
and you know what?
its right.
death is the only other option.
what did i do?
what the fuck marked me out?
why does everything start falling down as soon as i get anything stable??
ill tell you why...
because life sucks.
life fucking sucks ass
and more than that...my life sucks ass.
and the worst part is.... i could be overreacting... this could be over nothing
but knowing my luck....
IM FUCKED!
so if i kill myself... i am seriously really really sorry to anyone it inconveniences....
seriously.... i am...

what did i do?
what marks me out
what fucks my life up
and fills me with doubt
why do i bother?
why do i try?
why am i enduring?
why cant i die?
why cant i cut?
and why cant i bleed?
why cant you all see
its not help i need...
its bullets and knives
and nooses and chain
and all these devices
'cause i deserve pain
i know that im broken...
i know that im wrong.
i know that im fucked up
and i dont belong
but do i deserve this?
am i really that bad?
or am i a fucktard
I DRIVE MYSELF MAD
i need to cry
i need to scream
so i wont hurt myself
i dont sleep to dream....
i sleep so that there's safety safety
sleep so i wont bleed
sleep to ease my suffering
its dreams i really need.
i pray that when i go to sleep
pray that i wont wake
pray that life has mercy
and that its me it takes

i deserve everything that comes to me
i played my stupid part
i did the wrong damn thing again
and now i fall apart
but if and when it falters
perhaps it was just lust?
i know ive learned my lesson
and i cant, i wont just trust.
thalydomide salvation
please save me from my cries
cyanide satisfaction
the assurance, i will die.
just help me save me cleanse me
by fires may i be saved
relinquish, crush destroy me
im peaceful in my grave.
how could i be so stupid?
how could i be so blind?
how could i trust my ignorance
my heart before my mind?
i pray that i am stupid
pray that i am wrong
pray i didnt trust too soon
and didnt wait too long
my name, it does not matter
my face will leave with grace
my heart would slowly blacken
heart halt its steady pace

'twixt sanity and uproar
i precariously lie
the single strand to save this land
it falters, snaps, unties
but i shan't rule out the miracle
'twixt nights birth and days end
my fate alone - not sealed in stone
the twine may hold... or rend...
the twine i held as diamond
could be as soft as silk
the broth i saw as water
could be as far-gone as milk
the blood that flows within me
could surely flow without
could serve them all, to paint a wall
or keep the dark ones out
'twixt scientific knowledge
and miracles of life
could i withall, just paint that wall
with a single sharp long-knife?
in vain i may just try it
spill life in crimson red
i wait without my closure's grace
i smile, inside i'm dead...

im expected to co-operate?
to simply wait for my doom?
to kiss the fat ass of grim glories past?
and just lay back in my dark room?
well that idea's just fucking stupid..
i only just want to know...
did i motherfucking screw it all up?
and am I in death free to go?
bring truth and free the sweet answer
i really just want to know now...
but lest i wait, with my head on a plate
and quietly take my last bow.......
to all of my friends, and assholes alike
i smile as i bid you farewell
when it's cut, that one line, there just may not be time
and I hope i don't see you in hell.
to all of you now
i give up the fight
i bid you long life
and to all, a good night.

5 months today.

today should be a good day....
infact today should be a great day...
i have been with my amazing beautiful perfect loveable stunning girlfriend who i probably dont deserve for 5 months now...
but today...wasnt a good day....
today was a bad day
a black day
and i want to forget it
and lots of people hate me
and i hate me
and i feel so fucking awful inside and i dont know why.
and i mean it hasnt even been an awful day
i just
i feel fucked
stupid
wrong
broken
messed up
like a freak
and i know "pure hatred" will go to town on today...
but for once, i think i probably deserve pure hatred to rip into me...
so what the hell
pure hatred
go for it
like i give a shit anymore
the only little light in the darkness
is the fact that i know i wont hurt myself thanks to some great advice that my amazing beloved gave me....which im not quoting.
well i cant think of anything else
im okay tonight
okay #2

Back Online....

im back online... this afternoon was weird... and i feel a little different... but i think im okay.... which sure as hell is good.
well... not really okay... but i dont know the word for it, so i guess okay will have to suffice.
if anyone was in a huge minority and was worried about me (because who the hell worries about me...) then rest assured i am alive and...okay....
okay is my new word..... okay?
its okay, cause it sums up the fact that i could be feeling good, or i could be feeling absolutely shit.
infact, just for you people... i will define okay in matt-english.
Okay (n) -
1.A word Matt uses when he is not going to tell you how he really is, beacuse he quite plainly, doesnt want to.
2.A word used by matt when he doesnt want to tell you that his mind body soul and life are all falling apart simultaneously and he just cant cope anymore.
3.A word used by matt when hes good but he really couldnt be bothered with all the "how/why are you good?" questions.
4.A word used by matt when he is, quite simply, okay.

so yeah... have fun with those....
im sure theres a billion defenitions of okay... but
i dont want to be bothered writing them all.
so yeah.... until next time...
"cant think of a signout"

yeah its over..the blog...
quite short, comparatively.
if you ACTUALLY want to know how i REALLY am at the moment... im NOT writing it an open source on the internet where anyone can read it. OKAY.

im sure you can quote that line if you want to know how i am...
okay, thats all for now...

help me

please help me

Fuck You!

FUCK YOU
you fucking heard me! you stupid motherfuckers!
FUCK YOU...
not all of you... just some of you stupid lowlife motherfuckers out there who fuck up everything.
some of you, i just know hate me... and ive never really understood why, but i just know....
some of you started to hate me randomly, and ive just come to accept it, not understand, just accept.
some of you dont talk to me that much, but you just hate me... and me and you both know it, but you dont talk about it.
leaving only one lower level of disgusting filth mongering whorish fuckwit.
those who pose as my friend, and then use their trust and leverage to get at my emotions and rip me apart from the inside.
I hate you people.
i am dead serious.
i dont hate much,
but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart
i hope you stupid motherfuckers burn in the lowest fucking level of hell
and you know what? i dont give a FUCK if im there too... because aslong as i get to see your face contorted into screams of agony.... itl feel like motherfucking HEAVEN.
you stupid cunts.
i hate you.
and you know.... im going to act the same around you... but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart.

ok now that the unpleasant half is over.... i thought id mention a few friends who have been real helps to me in the past little while. u awesome people deserve to go to "heaven" if thats your thing.... or a cake shop if heavens not for you...
1. ELA - ok so i love her more than anything... i think everyone knows that, including the lowlife fuckers.
2.Ebony - yeah thanks ebony.....theres really not much more that needs to be said.... i think it all goes without saying... You're an angel... im serious.... i think you might be...
3. my mate Jason (both) - yeah i have 2 friends named jason... you both helped.... to quote jason from my street.... aslong as i have the girl, i shouldnt care about what anyone else says"
4.Ben Winter - ROCK ON man.... ur a good person.
5.Mango - mango you're a champion, but you really need some self respect.... cause u should DEFINATELY have some... start by being grateful you arent me :P
6. Pure Hate - now this might seem weird, cause pure hate, logically, hates me.... but even though i "dont know who you are" pure hate.... you still seem like a great person. thanks for just being yourself.... cause seriously, i value that, and i value you...
7.Corinne - now corinne... you can lift my spirits really well.... and im really grateful for that.... you're so good at making me smile and making me happy... you're an angel too...
8. Sebastian - DUDE sebastian you're awesome. the rest of everything goes without saying. thanks for making my life really quite bearable man.
9. Cam - cam you're a real friend, through and through... and we have some great (hillarious) times... but i always know you will be there for me if i need you... you're a true friend.maybe you're a (guy) angel.... i dno ive never really thought about guy angels...... *thinks*
10.Alisha - thanks for being there and talking to me.... you make me smile when im down...quite often.....thanks.....
11. Rosa - yeah rosa im mentioning you... cause we talk pretty often, and you always leave me feeling less awful, and abit more smiley than normal...thanks...also possibly an angel.....
now 11 is my lucky number....
so im going to stop at 11...
if i didnt mention you, it doesnt mean you're a fucking asshole and i want to shove a shotgun up your ass and blow your head off... it just probably means i forgot. i am sorry. just stressed atm.
also theyll never read this, but thanks to miss vercoe and miss pinnington-wilson from school.
cause you are great teachers and even better people.
if you ask me why i didnt mention you, and i say something like "oh sorry i forgot!"
then it probably means i forgot. but if you lowlife dickbags ask me if i forgot to put you on there, chances are...unless im in a rather terrible mood, ill lie to you to try and make you feel better....
cause quite frankly, being me is fucking terrible... but i can always smile and think "atleast im not any of you" and i feel abit better.
so in conclusion. to a select few of you
I HATE YOU
and to the majority of you
"insert generic signout"

writing about you...

hey there everyone.
today, im writing about you... i know how confusing this is going to get, but please bear with me, because it sounds really interesting in my head, and i just want to get it down.
okay, so im writing about you.. but not just you, the reader, in a literal sense....about a certain person... if you read this and you know that "you" is you.... well then i guess you knowing who you is, is good for you. (i am SO not confused about you).... yeah... try to keep up with that, i sure cant.
okay....lets talk about you
me and you
you make me smile... you make me feel worthwhile
you have this way, you brighten up my day
(this stuff isnt supposed to rhyme, sorry)
you give me this feeling that im cared about
that im needed...
you give me this feeling that if i died, at least YOU would care...atleast YOU would cry, atleast you would be at my funeral. and if no one else turned up... atleast i know that you would be there, showing your respect to me, laying a lone black rose on my freshly cut headstone.
to tell you the truth, i care about you. you mean alot to me. you make me smile like no one else can, you make me feel okay when nothing else can, and you show me that although life isnt that much fun at the moment... you give me hope that life can get better...
you teach me more than anyone else, the lessons you teach stay with me forever, you are so kind and loving.
you see past my face...past my ugly face...past my sad eyes, past my frown lines, past my cynical personality, even when i cant.
i tried to describe you..
i said "you are amazing, you are the ultimate, you are the simply sublime"
and you know what?
i mean it.
you are amazing.
you just have this effect when you are nearby, you lift my spirit, out of the pain it sits in, into a better place.
and for that, i love you. i care about you. and i hope you smile when you read this.
part of me knows you will smile when you read this.
that same part of me knows that i am smiling as i write this, because i am thinking of you.
you are sweet.
and kind.
and you confuse me to the extent that when i talk to you i choke on half my words, and i blush a LOT.
you.
how can so much be expressed in those 3 letters?
how can you hold so much amazing love and grace inside you, and yet still be so calm and loving
i wont pretend i understand you... but i respect you. i really do. and you know why?
because you deserve my respect, you deserve my admiration, and you deserve to be told that you are amazing.
but you are modest.
you say you arent all these things.
and you will think that i am not talking about you, when i write this.
but i am.
you know exactly who you are.
but because of you, and the way you are... you will never think this is about you.
thus the "you" paradox.
you are so amazing, and yet so modest, that you will never know how much i respect you.. and that in itself makes you worthy of even more respect.
you make me smile, when the whole world makes me sad.
look after yourself.
in conclusion.
if you know who you are... good for you.


well i guess thats all for now...
oh yeah... just a footnote... pure hatred, even if you want me to die... i must sincerely apologise... as the only person who can decide when i die, or when i get hurt.... is you. (not you P.H... sorry...)

Also John Vitale, thanks for extending my metaphor, i really thought your extension of it was great =D and i really enjoyed the cleverness of it... great comment....
ok well until i blog again.
"insert signoff here"

Its been awhile...

hey whoevers listening, how are you all?

great? lucky you.

so lets see. school is allright at the moment...... ive been talking to a few people more often, which is good, because they are good people, namely Corinne, Ebony, Sophie, Rhoda... you guys (well girls) are awesome.

well a friend of mine doesnt really want to know me anymore.... ohwell, doesnt bother me that much, i guess its one less to invite to the fire this year...

who wants a hug? i like hugs at the moment.... so if i ask you for a hug randomly, dont be scared, i actually just like hugs, and i promise i wont stab you to death (if you give me a hug)......but if you DONT.....ill be crushed.....

i made a great analogy to myself today.... to a piece of shiny metal, which those who know me, know i like shiny things.... so ill share my deliciously shiny analogy with you all.

im like.... im like a piece of metal, thats been shined up a long time ago.... for a while i was all shiny and nice.... but everytime someone hurts me in any way, they put a scratch on the metal... and well a scratch doesnt seem like much.... but over time, more people add their one little scratch.... or some people add lots of scratches... some people even like adding scratches....... which is a little bit mean, but hey, what can i do........ now this probably doesnt seem to bad.... but if you keep scratching a piece of metal... eventually it will leave a DEEP mark, and the metal will never be the same again.... the metal will be useless, the metal will be weakened, and all it would take is a few more scratches, and the metal would simply fall apart....... So people keep on scratching, thinking the scratches heal, or knowing they dont, and assuming that the metal is far too thick to ever get damaged. the only difference, is in metal, that glint it gets in its reflective surface is the first thing to dissapear... but for those who havent noticed, the glint i get in my eyes was the last thing to dissapear, the last warning sign, and that has been gone for years.

well i really couldnt be bothered extending that metaphor anymore, i think ive raped it for all its worth.

so now onto new business

i am going to make 2 lists and update them maybe every blog....

the first list will be people who have hugged me.... this is a glory list and if you are on it, you're awesome.

the second list will be people i want to hug, and that means i probably will.... so this is your advanced warning list. heed this warning and be prepared to be hugged by the white weirdo.

LIST 1

Corinne, Ebony, Rachel whitford, ELA ofcourse, missy, Natale.

LIST 2

Courtney, Annie, Sophie, Bella, Alice, Katie Hamblin (why not), Wendy (this year), Rosa, Jenny(casula), Tahlia, Corinne again (and again and again and again....), Paige (why not), Emma (again, why not), Tansy (what a challenge!!!), and thats all for now (if ive fortgotten you, you arent off the hook yet)

so yeah... thats an update? well i guess it is....

also the cake is a lie.......

So until next time, "insert signoff here"