im back online... this afternoon was weird... and i feel a little different... but i think im okay.... which sure as hell is good.
well... not really okay... but i dont know the word for it, so i guess okay will have to suffice.
if anyone was in a huge minority and was worried about me (because who the hell worries about me...) then rest assured i am alive and...okay....
okay is my new word..... okay?
its okay, cause it sums up the fact that i could be feeling good, or i could be feeling absolutely shit.
infact, just for you people... i will define okay in matt-english.
Okay (n) -
1.A word Matt uses when he is not going to tell you how he really is, beacuse he quite plainly, doesnt want to.
2.A word used by matt when he doesnt want to tell you that his mind body soul and life are all falling apart simultaneously and he just cant cope anymore.
3.A word used by matt when hes good but he really couldnt be bothered with all the "how/why are you good?" questions.
4.A word used by matt when he is, quite simply, okay.
so yeah... have fun with those....
im sure theres a billion defenitions of okay... but
i dont want to be bothered writing them all.
so yeah.... until next time...
"cant think of a signout"
yeah its over..the blog...
quite short, comparatively.
if you ACTUALLY want to know how i REALLY am at the moment... im NOT writing it an open source on the internet where anyone can read it. OKAY.
im sure you can quote that line if you want to know how i am...
okay, thats all for now...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Fuck You!
FUCK YOU
you fucking heard me! you stupid motherfuckers!
FUCK YOU...
not all of you... just some of you stupid lowlife motherfuckers out there who fuck up everything.
some of you, i just know hate me... and ive never really understood why, but i just know....
some of you started to hate me randomly, and ive just come to accept it, not understand, just accept.
some of you dont talk to me that much, but you just hate me... and me and you both know it, but you dont talk about it.
leaving only one lower level of disgusting filth mongering whorish fuckwit.
those who pose as my friend, and then use their trust and leverage to get at my emotions and rip me apart from the inside.
I hate you people.
i am dead serious.
i dont hate much,
but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart
i hope you stupid motherfuckers burn in the lowest fucking level of hell
and you know what? i dont give a FUCK if im there too... because aslong as i get to see your face contorted into screams of agony.... itl feel like motherfucking HEAVEN.
you stupid cunts.
i hate you.
and you know.... im going to act the same around you... but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart.
ok now that the unpleasant half is over.... i thought id mention a few friends who have been real helps to me in the past little while. u awesome people deserve to go to "heaven" if thats your thing.... or a cake shop if heavens not for you...
1. ELA - ok so i love her more than anything... i think everyone knows that, including the lowlife fuckers.
2.Ebony - yeah thanks ebony.....theres really not much more that needs to be said.... i think it all goes without saying... You're an angel... im serious.... i think you might be...
3. my mate Jason (both) - yeah i have 2 friends named jason... you both helped.... to quote jason from my street.... aslong as i have the girl, i shouldnt care about what anyone else says"
4.Ben Winter - ROCK ON man.... ur a good person.
5.Mango - mango you're a champion, but you really need some self respect.... cause u should DEFINATELY have some... start by being grateful you arent me :P
6. Pure Hate - now this might seem weird, cause pure hate, logically, hates me.... but even though i "dont know who you are" pure hate.... you still seem like a great person. thanks for just being yourself.... cause seriously, i value that, and i value you...
7.Corinne - now corinne... you can lift my spirits really well.... and im really grateful for that.... you're so good at making me smile and making me happy... you're an angel too...
8. Sebastian - DUDE sebastian you're awesome. the rest of everything goes without saying. thanks for making my life really quite bearable man.
9. Cam - cam you're a real friend, through and through... and we have some great (hillarious) times... but i always know you will be there for me if i need you... you're a true friend.maybe you're a (guy) angel.... i dno ive never really thought about guy angels...... *thinks*
10.Alisha - thanks for being there and talking to me.... you make me smile when im down...quite often.....thanks.....
11. Rosa - yeah rosa im mentioning you... cause we talk pretty often, and you always leave me feeling less awful, and abit more smiley than normal...thanks...also possibly an angel.....
now 11 is my lucky number....
so im going to stop at 11...
if i didnt mention you, it doesnt mean you're a fucking asshole and i want to shove a shotgun up your ass and blow your head off... it just probably means i forgot. i am sorry. just stressed atm.
also theyll never read this, but thanks to miss vercoe and miss pinnington-wilson from school.
cause you are great teachers and even better people.
if you ask me why i didnt mention you, and i say something like "oh sorry i forgot!"
then it probably means i forgot. but if you lowlife dickbags ask me if i forgot to put you on there, chances are...unless im in a rather terrible mood, ill lie to you to try and make you feel better....
cause quite frankly, being me is fucking terrible... but i can always smile and think "atleast im not any of you" and i feel abit better.
so in conclusion. to a select few of you
I HATE YOU
and to the majority of you
"insert generic signout"
you fucking heard me! you stupid motherfuckers!
FUCK YOU...
not all of you... just some of you stupid lowlife motherfuckers out there who fuck up everything.
some of you, i just know hate me... and ive never really understood why, but i just know....
some of you started to hate me randomly, and ive just come to accept it, not understand, just accept.
some of you dont talk to me that much, but you just hate me... and me and you both know it, but you dont talk about it.
leaving only one lower level of disgusting filth mongering whorish fuckwit.
those who pose as my friend, and then use their trust and leverage to get at my emotions and rip me apart from the inside.
I hate you people.
i am dead serious.
i dont hate much,
but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart
i hope you stupid motherfuckers burn in the lowest fucking level of hell
and you know what? i dont give a FUCK if im there too... because aslong as i get to see your face contorted into screams of agony.... itl feel like motherfucking HEAVEN.
you stupid cunts.
i hate you.
and you know.... im going to act the same around you... but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart.
ok now that the unpleasant half is over.... i thought id mention a few friends who have been real helps to me in the past little while. u awesome people deserve to go to "heaven" if thats your thing.... or a cake shop if heavens not for you...
1. ELA - ok so i love her more than anything... i think everyone knows that, including the lowlife fuckers.
2.Ebony - yeah thanks ebony.....theres really not much more that needs to be said.... i think it all goes without saying... You're an angel... im serious.... i think you might be...
3. my mate Jason (both) - yeah i have 2 friends named jason... you both helped.... to quote jason from my street.... aslong as i have the girl, i shouldnt care about what anyone else says"
4.Ben Winter - ROCK ON man.... ur a good person.
5.Mango - mango you're a champion, but you really need some self respect.... cause u should DEFINATELY have some... start by being grateful you arent me :P
6. Pure Hate - now this might seem weird, cause pure hate, logically, hates me.... but even though i "dont know who you are" pure hate.... you still seem like a great person. thanks for just being yourself.... cause seriously, i value that, and i value you...
7.Corinne - now corinne... you can lift my spirits really well.... and im really grateful for that.... you're so good at making me smile and making me happy... you're an angel too...
8. Sebastian - DUDE sebastian you're awesome. the rest of everything goes without saying. thanks for making my life really quite bearable man.
9. Cam - cam you're a real friend, through and through... and we have some great (hillarious) times... but i always know you will be there for me if i need you... you're a true friend.maybe you're a (guy) angel.... i dno ive never really thought about guy angels...... *thinks*
10.Alisha - thanks for being there and talking to me.... you make me smile when im down...quite often.....thanks.....
11. Rosa - yeah rosa im mentioning you... cause we talk pretty often, and you always leave me feeling less awful, and abit more smiley than normal...thanks...also possibly an angel.....
now 11 is my lucky number....
so im going to stop at 11...
if i didnt mention you, it doesnt mean you're a fucking asshole and i want to shove a shotgun up your ass and blow your head off... it just probably means i forgot. i am sorry. just stressed atm.
also theyll never read this, but thanks to miss vercoe and miss pinnington-wilson from school.
cause you are great teachers and even better people.
if you ask me why i didnt mention you, and i say something like "oh sorry i forgot!"
then it probably means i forgot. but if you lowlife dickbags ask me if i forgot to put you on there, chances are...unless im in a rather terrible mood, ill lie to you to try and make you feel better....
cause quite frankly, being me is fucking terrible... but i can always smile and think "atleast im not any of you" and i feel abit better.
so in conclusion. to a select few of you
I HATE YOU
and to the majority of you
"insert generic signout"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
writing about you...
hey there everyone.
today, im writing about you... i know how confusing this is going to get, but please bear with me, because it sounds really interesting in my head, and i just want to get it down.
okay, so im writing about you.. but not just you, the reader, in a literal sense....about a certain person... if you read this and you know that "you" is you.... well then i guess you knowing who you is, is good for you. (i am SO not confused about you).... yeah... try to keep up with that, i sure cant.
okay....lets talk about you
me and you
you make me smile... you make me feel worthwhile
you have this way, you brighten up my day
(this stuff isnt supposed to rhyme, sorry)
you give me this feeling that im cared about
that im needed...
you give me this feeling that if i died, at least YOU would care...atleast YOU would cry, atleast you would be at my funeral. and if no one else turned up... atleast i know that you would be there, showing your respect to me, laying a lone black rose on my freshly cut headstone.
to tell you the truth, i care about you. you mean alot to me. you make me smile like no one else can, you make me feel okay when nothing else can, and you show me that although life isnt that much fun at the moment... you give me hope that life can get better...
you teach me more than anyone else, the lessons you teach stay with me forever, you are so kind and loving.
you see past my face...past my ugly face...past my sad eyes, past my frown lines, past my cynical personality, even when i cant.
i tried to describe you..
i said "you are amazing, you are the ultimate, you are the simply sublime"
and you know what?
i mean it.
you are amazing.
you just have this effect when you are nearby, you lift my spirit, out of the pain it sits in, into a better place.
and for that, i love you. i care about you. and i hope you smile when you read this.
part of me knows you will smile when you read this.
that same part of me knows that i am smiling as i write this, because i am thinking of you.
you are sweet.
and kind.
and you confuse me to the extent that when i talk to you i choke on half my words, and i blush a LOT.
you.
how can so much be expressed in those 3 letters?
how can you hold so much amazing love and grace inside you, and yet still be so calm and loving
i wont pretend i understand you... but i respect you. i really do. and you know why?
because you deserve my respect, you deserve my admiration, and you deserve to be told that you are amazing.
but you are modest.
you say you arent all these things.
and you will think that i am not talking about you, when i write this.
but i am.
you know exactly who you are.
but because of you, and the way you are... you will never think this is about you.
thus the "you" paradox.
you are so amazing, and yet so modest, that you will never know how much i respect you.. and that in itself makes you worthy of even more respect.
you make me smile, when the whole world makes me sad.
look after yourself.
in conclusion.
if you know who you are... good for you.
well i guess thats all for now...
oh yeah... just a footnote... pure hatred, even if you want me to die... i must sincerely apologise... as the only person who can decide when i die, or when i get hurt.... is you. (not you P.H... sorry...)
Also John Vitale, thanks for extending my metaphor, i really thought your extension of it was great =D and i really enjoyed the cleverness of it... great comment....
ok well until i blog again.
"insert signoff here"
today, im writing about you... i know how confusing this is going to get, but please bear with me, because it sounds really interesting in my head, and i just want to get it down.
okay, so im writing about you.. but not just you, the reader, in a literal sense....about a certain person... if you read this and you know that "you" is you.... well then i guess you knowing who you is, is good for you. (i am SO not confused about you).... yeah... try to keep up with that, i sure cant.
okay....lets talk about you
me and you
you make me smile... you make me feel worthwhile
you have this way, you brighten up my day
(this stuff isnt supposed to rhyme, sorry)
you give me this feeling that im cared about
that im needed...
you give me this feeling that if i died, at least YOU would care...atleast YOU would cry, atleast you would be at my funeral. and if no one else turned up... atleast i know that you would be there, showing your respect to me, laying a lone black rose on my freshly cut headstone.
to tell you the truth, i care about you. you mean alot to me. you make me smile like no one else can, you make me feel okay when nothing else can, and you show me that although life isnt that much fun at the moment... you give me hope that life can get better...
you teach me more than anyone else, the lessons you teach stay with me forever, you are so kind and loving.
you see past my face...past my ugly face...past my sad eyes, past my frown lines, past my cynical personality, even when i cant.
i tried to describe you..
i said "you are amazing, you are the ultimate, you are the simply sublime"
and you know what?
i mean it.
you are amazing.
you just have this effect when you are nearby, you lift my spirit, out of the pain it sits in, into a better place.
and for that, i love you. i care about you. and i hope you smile when you read this.
part of me knows you will smile when you read this.
that same part of me knows that i am smiling as i write this, because i am thinking of you.
you are sweet.
and kind.
and you confuse me to the extent that when i talk to you i choke on half my words, and i blush a LOT.
you.
how can so much be expressed in those 3 letters?
how can you hold so much amazing love and grace inside you, and yet still be so calm and loving
i wont pretend i understand you... but i respect you. i really do. and you know why?
because you deserve my respect, you deserve my admiration, and you deserve to be told that you are amazing.
but you are modest.
you say you arent all these things.
and you will think that i am not talking about you, when i write this.
but i am.
you know exactly who you are.
but because of you, and the way you are... you will never think this is about you.
thus the "you" paradox.
you are so amazing, and yet so modest, that you will never know how much i respect you.. and that in itself makes you worthy of even more respect.
you make me smile, when the whole world makes me sad.
look after yourself.
in conclusion.
if you know who you are... good for you.
well i guess thats all for now...
oh yeah... just a footnote... pure hatred, even if you want me to die... i must sincerely apologise... as the only person who can decide when i die, or when i get hurt.... is you. (not you P.H... sorry...)
Also John Vitale, thanks for extending my metaphor, i really thought your extension of it was great =D and i really enjoyed the cleverness of it... great comment....
ok well until i blog again.
"insert signoff here"
Friday, March 27, 2009
Its been awhile...
hey whoevers listening, how are you all?
great? lucky you.
so lets see. school is allright at the moment...... ive been talking to a few people more often, which is good, because they are good people, namely Corinne, Ebony, Sophie, Rhoda... you guys (well girls) are awesome.
well a friend of mine doesnt really want to know me anymore.... ohwell, doesnt bother me that much, i guess its one less to invite to the fire this year...
who wants a hug? i like hugs at the moment.... so if i ask you for a hug randomly, dont be scared, i actually just like hugs, and i promise i wont stab you to death (if you give me a hug)......but if you DONT.....ill be crushed.....
i made a great analogy to myself today.... to a piece of shiny metal, which those who know me, know i like shiny things.... so ill share my deliciously shiny analogy with you all.
im like.... im like a piece of metal, thats been shined up a long time ago.... for a while i was all shiny and nice.... but everytime someone hurts me in any way, they put a scratch on the metal... and well a scratch doesnt seem like much.... but over time, more people add their one little scratch.... or some people add lots of scratches... some people even like adding scratches....... which is a little bit mean, but hey, what can i do........ now this probably doesnt seem to bad.... but if you keep scratching a piece of metal... eventually it will leave a DEEP mark, and the metal will never be the same again.... the metal will be useless, the metal will be weakened, and all it would take is a few more scratches, and the metal would simply fall apart....... So people keep on scratching, thinking the scratches heal, or knowing they dont, and assuming that the metal is far too thick to ever get damaged. the only difference, is in metal, that glint it gets in its reflective surface is the first thing to dissapear... but for those who havent noticed, the glint i get in my eyes was the last thing to dissapear, the last warning sign, and that has been gone for years.
well i really couldnt be bothered extending that metaphor anymore, i think ive raped it for all its worth.
so now onto new business
i am going to make 2 lists and update them maybe every blog....
the first list will be people who have hugged me.... this is a glory list and if you are on it, you're awesome.
the second list will be people i want to hug, and that means i probably will.... so this is your advanced warning list. heed this warning and be prepared to be hugged by the white weirdo.
LIST 1
Corinne, Ebony, Rachel whitford, ELA ofcourse, missy, Natale.
LIST 2
Courtney, Annie, Sophie, Bella, Alice, Katie Hamblin (why not), Wendy (this year), Rosa, Jenny(casula), Tahlia, Corinne again (and again and again and again....), Paige (why not), Emma (again, why not), Tansy (what a challenge!!!), and thats all for now (if ive fortgotten you, you arent off the hook yet)
so yeah... thats an update? well i guess it is....
also the cake is a lie.......
So until next time, "insert signoff here"
Monday, March 9, 2009
have you ever thought....
have you ever thought that the best thing you could do for this world would be taking yourself out of it?
i know, i swore i wouldnt be depressive..... but.... i guess ill just have a rant...
Now alex lahey came up to me today and insulted my blog.
normally this wouldnt bother me, but i dno... i guess im realising that im (barely) human too... and i have feelings, and they get hurt. even if it takes alot...
what else happened today... oh i fixed my internet, hurrah for me... lots of effort... but so worth it, cause im sitting on my beloved EEEPC blogging to you all...or whoever listens..lol...
well what else
ooh
was talking to corinne today.... man i cant believe she thinks shes ugly... personally i think shes perfectly lovely, but hey, maybe other people need to tell her that too.
so yeah....
also my sister rachie...
shes sad.
thats bad.
shes lovely.
she doesnt think so.
so im trying to convince her that shes lovely... that should be nice and easy...
yeah... i guess she deserves to be happy
also im trying to change my sort of.... outlook on life... its not working...
also im getting really mood-swingy... i dont know why
one day i feel like a crazy maniac freak, and the next i feel so down and shit...
allright
im done blogging
alex if you make another snide comment about my blog.
im going to be insulted
get a life alex
rachie you're pretty, deal with it
same goes for you corinne
thats all
until next time,
*insert signout here*
i know, i swore i wouldnt be depressive..... but.... i guess ill just have a rant...
Now alex lahey came up to me today and insulted my blog.
normally this wouldnt bother me, but i dno... i guess im realising that im (barely) human too... and i have feelings, and they get hurt. even if it takes alot...
what else happened today... oh i fixed my internet, hurrah for me... lots of effort... but so worth it, cause im sitting on my beloved EEEPC blogging to you all...or whoever listens..lol...
well what else
ooh
was talking to corinne today.... man i cant believe she thinks shes ugly... personally i think shes perfectly lovely, but hey, maybe other people need to tell her that too.
so yeah....
also my sister rachie...
shes sad.
thats bad.
shes lovely.
she doesnt think so.
so im trying to convince her that shes lovely... that should be nice and easy...
yeah... i guess she deserves to be happy
also im trying to change my sort of.... outlook on life... its not working...
also im getting really mood-swingy... i dont know why
one day i feel like a crazy maniac freak, and the next i feel so down and shit...
allright
im done blogging
alex if you make another snide comment about my blog.
im going to be insulted
get a life alex
rachie you're pretty, deal with it
same goes for you corinne
thats all
until next time,
*insert signout here*
Friday, March 6, 2009
wtf is with this?
i dont get this...
one minute i feel almost okay, almost normal...
the next i get this really fucked feeling inside that just makes me want to ram a screwdriver through my own face and kill myself...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
and its like... people talk about "fun" things they are going to do and i see it as pointless.
i dont get this.
i want to die.
but i dont.
i hate this.
fucking hell...
i hate breathing... breathing sucks...
it feels so bad sometimes, breathing
i feel like such a dickface for breathing..... its like... i feel like im stealing air that i dont deserve...
and im such an asshole when i feel shit, i push my friends away.... which sucks...
last night i had a nightmare..
i was genuinely scared.
it was about my girlfriend leaving me...
i woke up thinking it was real... and i wanted to kill myself so badly.
and yet i wasnt being any more unpleasant or horrible than usual
am i that much of an asshole?
i am....
maybe its not for selfish reasons that i want to kill myself... maybe its just for the sake of others....
maybe its the kindest thing i can do for this world, taking myself out of it...
oh the irony.
well i dont know...
spose i should think about it more.
but still.... i dont think ill come to a different conclusion...
wow...
maybe i need to kill myself for the sake of others.....
i hate my life.
all i do is make other people feel like shit.... and then they hate me too.
im a perpetual asshole.
wow...
that is possibly the truest concept in this blog.
hope for all humanity?
not me.
im a perpetual asshole.
im an asshole to others, which makes others hate me.
then those that hate me are assholes to me.
then because of that im more of an asshole to others.
those others are then more of an asshole to me.
thus im more of an asshole to others
wow... the cycle continues...
i gues how it ends is
some asshole pushes me over the edge.
i finally get the guts to kill myself.
problem solved.
the world celebrates
which brings me to my next point.
im a pussy
a weak little asshole.
ive wanted to kill myself so many times
but im too fucking pussy to do it.
see? another thing that makes me shit
im a fucking pussy
what have i honestly got to live for.
you know what.. i dont know.
the only thing that came to mind was my girlfriend...
but im sure im destroying her existence too...
FUCK
you know
originally this next line was "i hate everything"
then i realised that was wrong....
i hate me
plain and simple
fuck you, Matthew Hall
you are a fucking asshole.
i will watch you rot in hell
where you obviously belong
you are an asshole
you hurt your friends
you cant control your actions
you are a freak
an animal
and i hate you
you Matthew Hall
are a weak, pathetic, disgusting, repulsive asshole.
and i want you to die.
not just for your own pain, but to help all your friends, who are obviously sick of you
"like who?!" you may ask....
well...
i would tell you, i honestly would.
but it would sound like i was blaming people.
so before i tell you
i assure you, that if you are mentioned, it is so only for me to illustrate how i have wronged you, not how you have wronged me.
First things first i guess...
1.Sebastian - my next door neighbour.... now hes like my family, and yet over the last while i havent been seeing him as much. this may not seem that bad, but it still makes me feel guilty.
2.Ela - wow, where do i start. i love Ela with all my heart and mind and soul... but it makes me feel so guilty because shes so amazing and im so....well not....
3.Rachel W - yeah now ive been a real asshole around rachie.... and to, and shes one of the large-ish reasons i dont deserve to be here, because shes very innocent and im very... fucked.
4.Becca - becca has been like a little sibling to me for ages... and yet i still say and do things that are mean or wrong or cruel to her...
5.Cam - now cams basically my best mate at school... and yet shit always happens between us that i hate... and he doesnt deserve to cop shit like that off something like me.
6.Victor - a mate at school. he makes me feel guilty because his life is so much worse than mine... and i dont deserve to feel crap because of all the shit he goes through...
7.Kevin - kevins the quiet one in my group at school... and i know that me not being that openly kind to him makes him feel shit... and although he'd never say it, being kind, he must dislike me.
8.Eric - eric seems not to like me very much, because i go on like a retard and act stupid sometimes, and it just doesnt go with his ideals.
9.Andy - now im corrupting andy and i know it... and it makes me feel awful for it. he doesnt deserve it.
10.Corinne - oh god i am SO sorry corinne... for everything... for the fact that im so horible, the fact that im so emotionless, for the fact that im such a pussy, for the fact that you deserve better then knowing me, because i am such a horrible person. I'm so sorry corinne, from the bottom of my heart, i really mean that.
11.Tahlia - now i never really gave tahlia a chance to know me that much, cause ive always been that stupid little depressive one...
12. Zoe Montford - she hates me... which i respect fully, cause she knows what a stupid little asshole i am....
13. Bella - bella has never been anything but kind and loving to me, and what do i do? i choke on my ego and can hardly talk to her.
14.Kale - kale tries so hard to be nice to me... but alas kale, it is to no avail, im just a complete dickhead.
15.Tansy - im just the depressive sporadic emo to tansy, and i feel sorry for her having to take my shit.
16.Michael M - michael i think respects me, and i respect him, but i know im hurting him with my existence and my life. and im sorry michael. i really am.
17.Humanity - ive probably forgotten to mention alot of people, so ill just sum up one for all of humanity and then probably go because i am being told to go by my mother.... Im sorry for existing humanity, and wasting your precious air... you dont deserve shit like me fouling up your earth.
what am i gunna do about it?
honestly?
i dont know.
maybe i should just go and do it... go and finish it all... save alot of people alot of pain...
yeah maybe i should.
well i dont know.
ill leave you with something to ponder.
what do you do when you find out that your walk of life is in the wrong direction......?
the end.........?
one minute i feel almost okay, almost normal...
the next i get this really fucked feeling inside that just makes me want to ram a screwdriver through my own face and kill myself...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
and its like... people talk about "fun" things they are going to do and i see it as pointless.
i dont get this.
i want to die.
but i dont.
i hate this.
fucking hell...
i hate breathing... breathing sucks...
it feels so bad sometimes, breathing
i feel like such a dickface for breathing..... its like... i feel like im stealing air that i dont deserve...
and im such an asshole when i feel shit, i push my friends away.... which sucks...
last night i had a nightmare..
i was genuinely scared.
it was about my girlfriend leaving me...
i woke up thinking it was real... and i wanted to kill myself so badly.
and yet i wasnt being any more unpleasant or horrible than usual
am i that much of an asshole?
i am....
maybe its not for selfish reasons that i want to kill myself... maybe its just for the sake of others....
maybe its the kindest thing i can do for this world, taking myself out of it...
oh the irony.
well i dont know...
spose i should think about it more.
but still.... i dont think ill come to a different conclusion...
wow...
maybe i need to kill myself for the sake of others.....
i hate my life.
all i do is make other people feel like shit.... and then they hate me too.
im a perpetual asshole.
wow...
that is possibly the truest concept in this blog.
hope for all humanity?
not me.
im a perpetual asshole.
im an asshole to others, which makes others hate me.
then those that hate me are assholes to me.
then because of that im more of an asshole to others.
those others are then more of an asshole to me.
thus im more of an asshole to others
wow... the cycle continues...
i gues how it ends is
some asshole pushes me over the edge.
i finally get the guts to kill myself.
problem solved.
the world celebrates
which brings me to my next point.
im a pussy
a weak little asshole.
ive wanted to kill myself so many times
but im too fucking pussy to do it.
see? another thing that makes me shit
im a fucking pussy
what have i honestly got to live for.
you know what.. i dont know.
the only thing that came to mind was my girlfriend...
but im sure im destroying her existence too...
FUCK
you know
originally this next line was "i hate everything"
then i realised that was wrong....
i hate me
plain and simple
fuck you, Matthew Hall
you are a fucking asshole.
i will watch you rot in hell
where you obviously belong
you are an asshole
you hurt your friends
you cant control your actions
you are a freak
an animal
and i hate you
you Matthew Hall
are a weak, pathetic, disgusting, repulsive asshole.
and i want you to die.
not just for your own pain, but to help all your friends, who are obviously sick of you
"like who?!" you may ask....
well...
i would tell you, i honestly would.
but it would sound like i was blaming people.
so before i tell you
i assure you, that if you are mentioned, it is so only for me to illustrate how i have wronged you, not how you have wronged me.
First things first i guess...
1.Sebastian - my next door neighbour.... now hes like my family, and yet over the last while i havent been seeing him as much. this may not seem that bad, but it still makes me feel guilty.
2.Ela - wow, where do i start. i love Ela with all my heart and mind and soul... but it makes me feel so guilty because shes so amazing and im so....well not....
3.Rachel W - yeah now ive been a real asshole around rachie.... and to, and shes one of the large-ish reasons i dont deserve to be here, because shes very innocent and im very... fucked.
4.Becca - becca has been like a little sibling to me for ages... and yet i still say and do things that are mean or wrong or cruel to her...
5.Cam - now cams basically my best mate at school... and yet shit always happens between us that i hate... and he doesnt deserve to cop shit like that off something like me.
6.Victor - a mate at school. he makes me feel guilty because his life is so much worse than mine... and i dont deserve to feel crap because of all the shit he goes through...
7.Kevin - kevins the quiet one in my group at school... and i know that me not being that openly kind to him makes him feel shit... and although he'd never say it, being kind, he must dislike me.
8.Eric - eric seems not to like me very much, because i go on like a retard and act stupid sometimes, and it just doesnt go with his ideals.
9.Andy - now im corrupting andy and i know it... and it makes me feel awful for it. he doesnt deserve it.
10.Corinne - oh god i am SO sorry corinne... for everything... for the fact that im so horible, the fact that im so emotionless, for the fact that im such a pussy, for the fact that you deserve better then knowing me, because i am such a horrible person. I'm so sorry corinne, from the bottom of my heart, i really mean that.
11.Tahlia - now i never really gave tahlia a chance to know me that much, cause ive always been that stupid little depressive one...
12. Zoe Montford - she hates me... which i respect fully, cause she knows what a stupid little asshole i am....
13. Bella - bella has never been anything but kind and loving to me, and what do i do? i choke on my ego and can hardly talk to her.
14.Kale - kale tries so hard to be nice to me... but alas kale, it is to no avail, im just a complete dickhead.
15.Tansy - im just the depressive sporadic emo to tansy, and i feel sorry for her having to take my shit.
16.Michael M - michael i think respects me, and i respect him, but i know im hurting him with my existence and my life. and im sorry michael. i really am.
17.Humanity - ive probably forgotten to mention alot of people, so ill just sum up one for all of humanity and then probably go because i am being told to go by my mother.... Im sorry for existing humanity, and wasting your precious air... you dont deserve shit like me fouling up your earth.
what am i gunna do about it?
honestly?
i dont know.
maybe i should just go and do it... go and finish it all... save alot of people alot of pain...
yeah maybe i should.
well i dont know.
ill leave you with something to ponder.
what do you do when you find out that your walk of life is in the wrong direction......?
the end.........?
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