Its been awhile...

hey whoevers listening, how are you all?

great? lucky you.

so lets see. school is allright at the moment...... ive been talking to a few people more often, which is good, because they are good people, namely Corinne, Ebony, Sophie, Rhoda... you guys (well girls) are awesome.

well a friend of mine doesnt really want to know me anymore.... ohwell, doesnt bother me that much, i guess its one less to invite to the fire this year...

who wants a hug? i like hugs at the moment.... so if i ask you for a hug randomly, dont be scared, i actually just like hugs, and i promise i wont stab you to death (if you give me a hug)......but if you DONT.....ill be crushed.....

i made a great analogy to myself today.... to a piece of shiny metal, which those who know me, know i like shiny things.... so ill share my deliciously shiny analogy with you all.

im like.... im like a piece of metal, thats been shined up a long time ago.... for a while i was all shiny and nice.... but everytime someone hurts me in any way, they put a scratch on the metal... and well a scratch doesnt seem like much.... but over time, more people add their one little scratch.... or some people add lots of scratches... some people even like adding scratches....... which is a little bit mean, but hey, what can i do........ now this probably doesnt seem to bad.... but if you keep scratching a piece of metal... eventually it will leave a DEEP mark, and the metal will never be the same again.... the metal will be useless, the metal will be weakened, and all it would take is a few more scratches, and the metal would simply fall apart....... So people keep on scratching, thinking the scratches heal, or knowing they dont, and assuming that the metal is far too thick to ever get damaged. the only difference, is in metal, that glint it gets in its reflective surface is the first thing to dissapear... but for those who havent noticed, the glint i get in my eyes was the last thing to dissapear, the last warning sign, and that has been gone for years.

well i really couldnt be bothered extending that metaphor anymore, i think ive raped it for all its worth.

so now onto new business

i am going to make 2 lists and update them maybe every blog....

the first list will be people who have hugged me.... this is a glory list and if you are on it, you're awesome.

the second list will be people i want to hug, and that means i probably will.... so this is your advanced warning list. heed this warning and be prepared to be hugged by the white weirdo.

LIST 1

Corinne, Ebony, Rachel whitford, ELA ofcourse, missy, Natale.

LIST 2

Courtney, Annie, Sophie, Bella, Alice, Katie Hamblin (why not), Wendy (this year), Rosa, Jenny(casula), Tahlia, Corinne again (and again and again and again....), Paige (why not), Emma (again, why not), Tansy (what a challenge!!!), and thats all for now (if ive fortgotten you, you arent off the hook yet)

so yeah... thats an update? well i guess it is....

also the cake is a lie.......

So until next time, "insert signoff here"

have you ever thought....

have you ever thought that the best thing you could do for this world would be taking yourself out of it?
i know, i swore i wouldnt be depressive..... but.... i guess ill just have a rant...
Now alex lahey came up to me today and insulted my blog.
normally this wouldnt bother me, but i dno... i guess im realising that im (barely) human too... and i have feelings, and they get hurt. even if it takes alot...
what else happened today... oh i fixed my internet, hurrah for me... lots of effort... but so worth it, cause im sitting on my beloved EEEPC blogging to you all...or whoever listens..lol...
well what else
ooh
was talking to corinne today.... man i cant believe she thinks shes ugly... personally i think shes perfectly lovely, but hey, maybe other people need to tell her that too.
so yeah....
also my sister rachie...
shes sad.
thats bad.
shes lovely.
she doesnt think so.
so im trying to convince her that shes lovely... that should be nice and easy...
yeah... i guess she deserves to be happy
also im trying to change my sort of.... outlook on life... its not working...
also im getting really mood-swingy... i dont know why
one day i feel like a crazy maniac freak, and the next i feel so down and shit...
allright
im done blogging
alex if you make another snide comment about my blog.
im going to be insulted
get a life alex
rachie you're pretty, deal with it
same goes for you corinne
thats all
until next time,
*insert signout here*

wtf is with this?

i dont get this...
one minute i feel almost okay, almost normal...
the next i get this really fucked feeling inside that just makes me want to ram a screwdriver through my own face and kill myself...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
and its like... people talk about "fun" things they are going to do and i see it as pointless.
i dont get this.
i want to die.
but i dont.
i hate this.
fucking hell...
i hate breathing... breathing sucks...
it feels so bad sometimes, breathing
i feel like such a dickface for breathing..... its like... i feel like im stealing air that i dont deserve...
and im such an asshole when i feel shit, i push my friends away.... which sucks...
last night i had a nightmare..
i was genuinely scared.
it was about my girlfriend leaving me...
i woke up thinking it was real... and i wanted to kill myself so badly.
and yet i wasnt being any more unpleasant or horrible than usual
am i that much of an asshole?
i am....
maybe its not for selfish reasons that i want to kill myself... maybe its just for the sake of others....
maybe its the kindest thing i can do for this world, taking myself out of it...
oh the irony.
well i dont know...
spose i should think about it more.
but still.... i dont think ill come to a different conclusion...
wow...
maybe i need to kill myself for the sake of others.....
i hate my life.
all i do is make other people feel like shit.... and then they hate me too.
im a perpetual asshole.
wow...
that is possibly the truest concept in this blog.
hope for all humanity?
not me.
im a perpetual asshole.
im an asshole to others, which makes others hate me.
then those that hate me are assholes to me.
then because of that im more of an asshole to others.
those others are then more of an asshole to me.
thus im more of an asshole to others
wow... the cycle continues...
i gues how it ends is
some asshole pushes me over the edge.
i finally get the guts to kill myself.
problem solved.
the world celebrates
which brings me to my next point.
im a pussy
a weak little asshole.
ive wanted to kill myself so many times
but im too fucking pussy to do it.
see? another thing that makes me shit
im a fucking pussy
what have i honestly got to live for.
you know what.. i dont know.
the only thing that came to mind was my girlfriend...
but im sure im destroying her existence too...
FUCK
you know
originally this next line was "i hate everything"
then i realised that was wrong....
i hate me
plain and simple
fuck you, Matthew Hall
you are a fucking asshole.
i will watch you rot in hell
where you obviously belong
you are an asshole
you hurt your friends
you cant control your actions
you are a freak
an animal
and i hate you
you Matthew Hall
are a weak, pathetic, disgusting, repulsive asshole.
and i want you to die.
not just for your own pain, but to help all your friends, who are obviously sick of you
"like who?!" you may ask....
well...
i would tell you, i honestly would.
but it would sound like i was blaming people.
so before i tell you
i assure you, that if you are mentioned, it is so only for me to illustrate how i have wronged you, not how you have wronged me.
First things first i guess...
1.Sebastian - my next door neighbour.... now hes like my family, and yet over the last while i havent been seeing him as much. this may not seem that bad, but it still makes me feel guilty.
2.Ela - wow, where do i start. i love Ela with all my heart and mind and soul... but it makes me feel so guilty because shes so amazing and im so....well not....
3.Rachel W - yeah now ive been a real asshole around rachie.... and to, and shes one of the large-ish reasons i dont deserve to be here, because shes very innocent and im very... fucked.
4.Becca - becca has been like a little sibling to me for ages... and yet i still say and do things that are mean or wrong or cruel to her...
5.Cam - now cams basically my best mate at school... and yet shit always happens between us that i hate... and he doesnt deserve to cop shit like that off something like me.
6.Victor - a mate at school. he makes me feel guilty because his life is so much worse than mine... and i dont deserve to feel crap because of all the shit he goes through...
7.Kevin - kevins the quiet one in my group at school... and i know that me not being that openly kind to him makes him feel shit... and although he'd never say it, being kind, he must dislike me.
8.Eric - eric seems not to like me very much, because i go on like a retard and act stupid sometimes, and it just doesnt go with his ideals.
9.Andy - now im corrupting andy and i know it... and it makes me feel awful for it. he doesnt deserve it.
10.Corinne - oh god i am SO sorry corinne... for everything... for the fact that im so horible, the fact that im so emotionless, for the fact that im such a pussy, for the fact that you deserve better then knowing me, because i am such a horrible person. I'm so sorry corinne, from the bottom of my heart, i really mean that.
11.Tahlia - now i never really gave tahlia a chance to know me that much, cause ive always been that stupid little depressive one...
12. Zoe Montford - she hates me... which i respect fully, cause she knows what a stupid little asshole i am....
13. Bella - bella has never been anything but kind and loving to me, and what do i do? i choke on my ego and can hardly talk to her.
14.Kale - kale tries so hard to be nice to me... but alas kale, it is to no avail, im just a complete dickhead.
15.Tansy - im just the depressive sporadic emo to tansy, and i feel sorry for her having to take my shit.
16.Michael M - michael i think respects me, and i respect him, but i know im hurting him with my existence and my life. and im sorry michael. i really am.
17.Humanity - ive probably forgotten to mention alot of people, so ill just sum up one for all of humanity and then probably go because i am being told to go by my mother.... Im sorry for existing humanity, and wasting your precious air... you dont deserve shit like me fouling up your earth.
what am i gunna do about it?
honestly?
i dont know.
maybe i should just go and do it... go and finish it all... save alot of people alot of pain...
yeah maybe i should.
well i dont know.
ill leave you with something to ponder.
what do you do when you find out that your walk of life is in the wrong direction......?
the end.........?

Hey everybody.

dude.... i havent been sleeping properly...
i feel like crap.
i need to sleep.
but school.
this is gay.
i need sleep.
sleep wont come.
i feel shit.
far out.
i blame myself.
maybe ive got insomnia.
possible.
ive been thinking about researching advanced genetics.
i want a tail.
yeah a tail.
you heard me.
it would kick ass.
i could have a very pretty tail.
it would sure shit all over no tail.
well i certainly think so.
i would be able to use it to grab beers.
what convenience.
well i might go pass out.
i hope.
sleep.
need sleep.

As promised P1?

Hey y'all..... i guess i promised that i'd tell u all the full rather dull details of my fucked up existence.... so with much repression, i introduce
THE FUCKED STORY (part 1?)
well yeah... it all started about 6 years when mum and dad still lived together under this roof and i was still a little bright smiling little child(god forbid).
well mum and dad used to scream and yell at eachother CONSTANTLY over everything... and it was usually after i'd "gone to bed" so they never figured i was listening...
i still remember countless times where i'd hear them screaming at eachother, and, as ashamed i am to admit it, i would sit and cry because of it....alot....
well then there was my sister, who used to dig her nails into my arms and pull bits of skin out (fuckin HURT) and i could never go to mum and dad because they were always too busy bitching at eachother....
yeah thats when karinas picking on me... the (abuse) started... that never really stopped, it just changed to physical + mental abuse
and now its just mental abuse.....ohwell...
so first time i tried to kill myself was when i realised mum and dad were too busy fighting to give a shit about me or anything.... that was pretty gay.....
then it kept going... eventually i realised that my life had this habit of falling apart frequently, and i got SO fucking sick of it...... so after it had done that pretty badly, i kinda tried the 2nd time.....
that didnt work, knowing my own luck (gay) and so i kept living for a while....
life started seeming to be a tad less shit, although not by much, i admit, it was something.....
so i was okay around this time.... and then when everything started to look up, everything, as it does, fell fucking APART again... and after a few months of that i tried again..........

ok so this brings us to about where i am now.... pushed to the floor, getting the air kicked out of me.... with very limited numbers of reasons to live, and even less that actively TRY to keep me going (thankyou ela, i LOVE YOU)
so in summary....
thankyou to my parents.
thankyou to my sister
thanky0u to everyone who made it worse in their own small way, u know who u are.


i love you Ela.
Until next time...... i will leave you with some wise words.
P1"whats the only thing worse than wanting to kill yourself?"
P2"i dunno.. whats that?"
P1"not being allowed to."

life is pleasant.

so hows everyones existance?
i figure you'd all like to know.... perhaps "Why" im so fucked in the head.... so i figure itd be pretty kind if i give you the whole pleasant (abbridged) story.
But first things first.... why do i currently feel like ramming a shiny piece of lead through my skull? well lets just break it down into a list, shall we?
1. My sister is well.... a stupid bitch?
2. My mother is well..... oblivious as to the fact that bad shit happens to me?
3. My faith in christianity is like.... dead and gone or something because in part...
4. My Christian friends (bar kale) have decided not to talk to me.... mmmm snub....
5. Despite my best efforts at being nice, while contending with my whole "fucked in the head" which ill get to later... Alex Lahey, who i guess i cant change, decided to be abit (a fuckload) of an asshole to me... which i guess is to be assumed.... but still nonetheless, hurts me when i tried.
6. i loathe myself because im a complete asshole and only a few people see it.

well thats all i can stand to think about at the moment.... im sure my brains repressing more... but lets leave it at that...

okay... reasons to live?
1. ELA... because i know she loves me and i love her. (GET FUCKED SOCIETY)
2.Sebastian.... even tho i havent seen him in ages, regrettably..... ive really been missing his company....
3.Rachie... cause shes little and cute and sweet... and a great sister
4. Becca... cause shes really just great company.
5. Cam + school friends.... cause i guess theyr good people to know...
6. Missy.... cause my cat, despite beliefs she is satan incarnate... gives great advice when i need it
7. Everyone who wants me to kill myself (lahey) because im going to show them what real fear is
8. My laptop which im writing this on... cause its shiny......
umm if ive forgotten something, please put it in comments....
also
to all my friends, especially the above mentioned reasons to live...........this is kinda out of character....
I love you people with all the emotion in my fucked up life... and although cam will call me gay and missy will tell me she hates me.... i seriously care about you people because you give me reasons to survive and to keep fighting.... and yeah... i promise i didnt get all teary writing this...lol.....*looks shifty*
well thats all i can think about at the moment.
i guess i live another day.....