i've got a bad feeling...

Hello world... i have this really bad feeling that somethings going to happen... and if it does... then it means im going to die.... this really isnt a good place for me to be in.... because hey... i thought my life was kinda on track, and now this has happened.....
...
...
at the moment i really cant think of what to write... i feel like im about to burst into tears...but i feel like im about to scream and shout...but at the same time...i can feel that really cold feeling coming back into me, saying "you know...deaths the only other option after this..."
and you know what?
its right.
death is the only other option.
what did i do?
what the fuck marked me out?
why does everything start falling down as soon as i get anything stable??
ill tell you why...
because life sucks.
life fucking sucks ass
and more than that...my life sucks ass.
and the worst part is.... i could be overreacting... this could be over nothing
but knowing my luck....
IM FUCKED!
so if i kill myself... i am seriously really really sorry to anyone it inconveniences....
seriously.... i am...

what did i do?
what marks me out
what fucks my life up
and fills me with doubt
why do i bother?
why do i try?
why am i enduring?
why cant i die?
why cant i cut?
and why cant i bleed?
why cant you all see
its not help i need...
its bullets and knives
and nooses and chain
and all these devices
'cause i deserve pain
i know that im broken...
i know that im wrong.
i know that im fucked up
and i dont belong
but do i deserve this?
am i really that bad?
or am i a fucktard
I DRIVE MYSELF MAD
i need to cry
i need to scream
so i wont hurt myself
i dont sleep to dream....
i sleep so that there's safety safety
sleep so i wont bleed
sleep to ease my suffering
its dreams i really need.
i pray that when i go to sleep
pray that i wont wake
pray that life has mercy
and that its me it takes

i deserve everything that comes to me
i played my stupid part
i did the wrong damn thing again
and now i fall apart
but if and when it falters
perhaps it was just lust?
i know ive learned my lesson
and i cant, i wont just trust.
thalydomide salvation
please save me from my cries
cyanide satisfaction
the assurance, i will die.
just help me save me cleanse me
by fires may i be saved
relinquish, crush destroy me
im peaceful in my grave.
how could i be so stupid?
how could i be so blind?
how could i trust my ignorance
my heart before my mind?
i pray that i am stupid
pray that i am wrong
pray i didnt trust too soon
and didnt wait too long
my name, it does not matter
my face will leave with grace
my heart would slowly blacken
heart halt its steady pace

'twixt sanity and uproar
i precariously lie
the single strand to save this land
it falters, snaps, unties
but i shan't rule out the miracle
'twixt nights birth and days end
my fate alone - not sealed in stone
the twine may hold... or rend...
the twine i held as diamond
could be as soft as silk
the broth i saw as water
could be as far-gone as milk
the blood that flows within me
could surely flow without
could serve them all, to paint a wall
or keep the dark ones out
'twixt scientific knowledge
and miracles of life
could i withall, just paint that wall
with a single sharp long-knife?
in vain i may just try it
spill life in crimson red
i wait without my closure's grace
i smile, inside i'm dead...

im expected to co-operate?
to simply wait for my doom?
to kiss the fat ass of grim glories past?
and just lay back in my dark room?
well that idea's just fucking stupid..
i only just want to know...
did i motherfucking screw it all up?
and am I in death free to go?
bring truth and free the sweet answer
i really just want to know now...
but lest i wait, with my head on a plate
and quietly take my last bow.......
to all of my friends, and assholes alike
i smile as i bid you farewell
when it's cut, that one line, there just may not be time
and I hope i don't see you in hell.
to all of you now
i give up the fight
i bid you long life
and to all, a good night.