im back online... this afternoon was weird... and i feel a little different... but i think im okay.... which sure as hell is good.
well... not really okay... but i dont know the word for it, so i guess okay will have to suffice.
if anyone was in a huge minority and was worried about me (because who the hell worries about me...) then rest assured i am alive and...okay....
okay is my new word..... okay?
its okay, cause it sums up the fact that i could be feeling good, or i could be feeling absolutely shit.
infact, just for you people... i will define okay in matt-english.
Okay (n) -
1.A word Matt uses when he is not going to tell you how he really is, beacuse he quite plainly, doesnt want to.
2.A word used by matt when he doesnt want to tell you that his mind body soul and life are all falling apart simultaneously and he just cant cope anymore.
3.A word used by matt when hes good but he really couldnt be bothered with all the "how/why are you good?" questions.
4.A word used by matt when he is, quite simply, okay.
so yeah... have fun with those....
im sure theres a billion defenitions of okay... but
i dont want to be bothered writing them all.
so yeah.... until next time...
"cant think of a signout"
yeah its over..the blog...
quite short, comparatively.
if you ACTUALLY want to know how i REALLY am at the moment... im NOT writing it an open source on the internet where anyone can read it. OKAY.
im sure you can quote that line if you want to know how i am...
okay, thats all for now...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Fuck You!
FUCK YOU
you fucking heard me! you stupid motherfuckers!
FUCK YOU...
not all of you... just some of you stupid lowlife motherfuckers out there who fuck up everything.
some of you, i just know hate me... and ive never really understood why, but i just know....
some of you started to hate me randomly, and ive just come to accept it, not understand, just accept.
some of you dont talk to me that much, but you just hate me... and me and you both know it, but you dont talk about it.
leaving only one lower level of disgusting filth mongering whorish fuckwit.
those who pose as my friend, and then use their trust and leverage to get at my emotions and rip me apart from the inside.
I hate you people.
i am dead serious.
i dont hate much,
but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart
i hope you stupid motherfuckers burn in the lowest fucking level of hell
and you know what? i dont give a FUCK if im there too... because aslong as i get to see your face contorted into screams of agony.... itl feel like motherfucking HEAVEN.
you stupid cunts.
i hate you.
and you know.... im going to act the same around you... but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart.
ok now that the unpleasant half is over.... i thought id mention a few friends who have been real helps to me in the past little while. u awesome people deserve to go to "heaven" if thats your thing.... or a cake shop if heavens not for you...
1. ELA - ok so i love her more than anything... i think everyone knows that, including the lowlife fuckers.
2.Ebony - yeah thanks ebony.....theres really not much more that needs to be said.... i think it all goes without saying... You're an angel... im serious.... i think you might be...
3. my mate Jason (both) - yeah i have 2 friends named jason... you both helped.... to quote jason from my street.... aslong as i have the girl, i shouldnt care about what anyone else says"
4.Ben Winter - ROCK ON man.... ur a good person.
5.Mango - mango you're a champion, but you really need some self respect.... cause u should DEFINATELY have some... start by being grateful you arent me :P
6. Pure Hate - now this might seem weird, cause pure hate, logically, hates me.... but even though i "dont know who you are" pure hate.... you still seem like a great person. thanks for just being yourself.... cause seriously, i value that, and i value you...
7.Corinne - now corinne... you can lift my spirits really well.... and im really grateful for that.... you're so good at making me smile and making me happy... you're an angel too...
8. Sebastian - DUDE sebastian you're awesome. the rest of everything goes without saying. thanks for making my life really quite bearable man.
9. Cam - cam you're a real friend, through and through... and we have some great (hillarious) times... but i always know you will be there for me if i need you... you're a true friend.maybe you're a (guy) angel.... i dno ive never really thought about guy angels...... *thinks*
10.Alisha - thanks for being there and talking to me.... you make me smile when im down...quite often.....thanks.....
11. Rosa - yeah rosa im mentioning you... cause we talk pretty often, and you always leave me feeling less awful, and abit more smiley than normal...thanks...also possibly an angel.....
now 11 is my lucky number....
so im going to stop at 11...
if i didnt mention you, it doesnt mean you're a fucking asshole and i want to shove a shotgun up your ass and blow your head off... it just probably means i forgot. i am sorry. just stressed atm.
also theyll never read this, but thanks to miss vercoe and miss pinnington-wilson from school.
cause you are great teachers and even better people.
if you ask me why i didnt mention you, and i say something like "oh sorry i forgot!"
then it probably means i forgot. but if you lowlife dickbags ask me if i forgot to put you on there, chances are...unless im in a rather terrible mood, ill lie to you to try and make you feel better....
cause quite frankly, being me is fucking terrible... but i can always smile and think "atleast im not any of you" and i feel abit better.
so in conclusion. to a select few of you
I HATE YOU
and to the majority of you
"insert generic signout"
you fucking heard me! you stupid motherfuckers!
FUCK YOU...
not all of you... just some of you stupid lowlife motherfuckers out there who fuck up everything.
some of you, i just know hate me... and ive never really understood why, but i just know....
some of you started to hate me randomly, and ive just come to accept it, not understand, just accept.
some of you dont talk to me that much, but you just hate me... and me and you both know it, but you dont talk about it.
leaving only one lower level of disgusting filth mongering whorish fuckwit.
those who pose as my friend, and then use their trust and leverage to get at my emotions and rip me apart from the inside.
I hate you people.
i am dead serious.
i dont hate much,
but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart
i hope you stupid motherfuckers burn in the lowest fucking level of hell
and you know what? i dont give a FUCK if im there too... because aslong as i get to see your face contorted into screams of agony.... itl feel like motherfucking HEAVEN.
you stupid cunts.
i hate you.
and you know.... im going to act the same around you... but i hate you.
from the bottom of my heart.
ok now that the unpleasant half is over.... i thought id mention a few friends who have been real helps to me in the past little while. u awesome people deserve to go to "heaven" if thats your thing.... or a cake shop if heavens not for you...
1. ELA - ok so i love her more than anything... i think everyone knows that, including the lowlife fuckers.
2.Ebony - yeah thanks ebony.....theres really not much more that needs to be said.... i think it all goes without saying... You're an angel... im serious.... i think you might be...
3. my mate Jason (both) - yeah i have 2 friends named jason... you both helped.... to quote jason from my street.... aslong as i have the girl, i shouldnt care about what anyone else says"
4.Ben Winter - ROCK ON man.... ur a good person.
5.Mango - mango you're a champion, but you really need some self respect.... cause u should DEFINATELY have some... start by being grateful you arent me :P
6. Pure Hate - now this might seem weird, cause pure hate, logically, hates me.... but even though i "dont know who you are" pure hate.... you still seem like a great person. thanks for just being yourself.... cause seriously, i value that, and i value you...
7.Corinne - now corinne... you can lift my spirits really well.... and im really grateful for that.... you're so good at making me smile and making me happy... you're an angel too...
8. Sebastian - DUDE sebastian you're awesome. the rest of everything goes without saying. thanks for making my life really quite bearable man.
9. Cam - cam you're a real friend, through and through... and we have some great (hillarious) times... but i always know you will be there for me if i need you... you're a true friend.maybe you're a (guy) angel.... i dno ive never really thought about guy angels...... *thinks*
10.Alisha - thanks for being there and talking to me.... you make me smile when im down...quite often.....thanks.....
11. Rosa - yeah rosa im mentioning you... cause we talk pretty often, and you always leave me feeling less awful, and abit more smiley than normal...thanks...also possibly an angel.....
now 11 is my lucky number....
so im going to stop at 11...
if i didnt mention you, it doesnt mean you're a fucking asshole and i want to shove a shotgun up your ass and blow your head off... it just probably means i forgot. i am sorry. just stressed atm.
also theyll never read this, but thanks to miss vercoe and miss pinnington-wilson from school.
cause you are great teachers and even better people.
if you ask me why i didnt mention you, and i say something like "oh sorry i forgot!"
then it probably means i forgot. but if you lowlife dickbags ask me if i forgot to put you on there, chances are...unless im in a rather terrible mood, ill lie to you to try and make you feel better....
cause quite frankly, being me is fucking terrible... but i can always smile and think "atleast im not any of you" and i feel abit better.
so in conclusion. to a select few of you
I HATE YOU
and to the majority of you
"insert generic signout"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
writing about you...
hey there everyone.
today, im writing about you... i know how confusing this is going to get, but please bear with me, because it sounds really interesting in my head, and i just want to get it down.
okay, so im writing about you.. but not just you, the reader, in a literal sense....about a certain person... if you read this and you know that "you" is you.... well then i guess you knowing who you is, is good for you. (i am SO not confused about you).... yeah... try to keep up with that, i sure cant.
okay....lets talk about you
me and you
you make me smile... you make me feel worthwhile
you have this way, you brighten up my day
(this stuff isnt supposed to rhyme, sorry)
you give me this feeling that im cared about
that im needed...
you give me this feeling that if i died, at least YOU would care...atleast YOU would cry, atleast you would be at my funeral. and if no one else turned up... atleast i know that you would be there, showing your respect to me, laying a lone black rose on my freshly cut headstone.
to tell you the truth, i care about you. you mean alot to me. you make me smile like no one else can, you make me feel okay when nothing else can, and you show me that although life isnt that much fun at the moment... you give me hope that life can get better...
you teach me more than anyone else, the lessons you teach stay with me forever, you are so kind and loving.
you see past my face...past my ugly face...past my sad eyes, past my frown lines, past my cynical personality, even when i cant.
i tried to describe you..
i said "you are amazing, you are the ultimate, you are the simply sublime"
and you know what?
i mean it.
you are amazing.
you just have this effect when you are nearby, you lift my spirit, out of the pain it sits in, into a better place.
and for that, i love you. i care about you. and i hope you smile when you read this.
part of me knows you will smile when you read this.
that same part of me knows that i am smiling as i write this, because i am thinking of you.
you are sweet.
and kind.
and you confuse me to the extent that when i talk to you i choke on half my words, and i blush a LOT.
you.
how can so much be expressed in those 3 letters?
how can you hold so much amazing love and grace inside you, and yet still be so calm and loving
i wont pretend i understand you... but i respect you. i really do. and you know why?
because you deserve my respect, you deserve my admiration, and you deserve to be told that you are amazing.
but you are modest.
you say you arent all these things.
and you will think that i am not talking about you, when i write this.
but i am.
you know exactly who you are.
but because of you, and the way you are... you will never think this is about you.
thus the "you" paradox.
you are so amazing, and yet so modest, that you will never know how much i respect you.. and that in itself makes you worthy of even more respect.
you make me smile, when the whole world makes me sad.
look after yourself.
in conclusion.
if you know who you are... good for you.
well i guess thats all for now...
oh yeah... just a footnote... pure hatred, even if you want me to die... i must sincerely apologise... as the only person who can decide when i die, or when i get hurt.... is you. (not you P.H... sorry...)
Also John Vitale, thanks for extending my metaphor, i really thought your extension of it was great =D and i really enjoyed the cleverness of it... great comment....
ok well until i blog again.
"insert signoff here"
today, im writing about you... i know how confusing this is going to get, but please bear with me, because it sounds really interesting in my head, and i just want to get it down.
okay, so im writing about you.. but not just you, the reader, in a literal sense....about a certain person... if you read this and you know that "you" is you.... well then i guess you knowing who you is, is good for you. (i am SO not confused about you).... yeah... try to keep up with that, i sure cant.
okay....lets talk about you
me and you
you make me smile... you make me feel worthwhile
you have this way, you brighten up my day
(this stuff isnt supposed to rhyme, sorry)
you give me this feeling that im cared about
that im needed...
you give me this feeling that if i died, at least YOU would care...atleast YOU would cry, atleast you would be at my funeral. and if no one else turned up... atleast i know that you would be there, showing your respect to me, laying a lone black rose on my freshly cut headstone.
to tell you the truth, i care about you. you mean alot to me. you make me smile like no one else can, you make me feel okay when nothing else can, and you show me that although life isnt that much fun at the moment... you give me hope that life can get better...
you teach me more than anyone else, the lessons you teach stay with me forever, you are so kind and loving.
you see past my face...past my ugly face...past my sad eyes, past my frown lines, past my cynical personality, even when i cant.
i tried to describe you..
i said "you are amazing, you are the ultimate, you are the simply sublime"
and you know what?
i mean it.
you are amazing.
you just have this effect when you are nearby, you lift my spirit, out of the pain it sits in, into a better place.
and for that, i love you. i care about you. and i hope you smile when you read this.
part of me knows you will smile when you read this.
that same part of me knows that i am smiling as i write this, because i am thinking of you.
you are sweet.
and kind.
and you confuse me to the extent that when i talk to you i choke on half my words, and i blush a LOT.
you.
how can so much be expressed in those 3 letters?
how can you hold so much amazing love and grace inside you, and yet still be so calm and loving
i wont pretend i understand you... but i respect you. i really do. and you know why?
because you deserve my respect, you deserve my admiration, and you deserve to be told that you are amazing.
but you are modest.
you say you arent all these things.
and you will think that i am not talking about you, when i write this.
but i am.
you know exactly who you are.
but because of you, and the way you are... you will never think this is about you.
thus the "you" paradox.
you are so amazing, and yet so modest, that you will never know how much i respect you.. and that in itself makes you worthy of even more respect.
you make me smile, when the whole world makes me sad.
look after yourself.
in conclusion.
if you know who you are... good for you.
well i guess thats all for now...
oh yeah... just a footnote... pure hatred, even if you want me to die... i must sincerely apologise... as the only person who can decide when i die, or when i get hurt.... is you. (not you P.H... sorry...)
Also John Vitale, thanks for extending my metaphor, i really thought your extension of it was great =D and i really enjoyed the cleverness of it... great comment....
ok well until i blog again.
"insert signoff here"
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